Rat Within the Grain
by LesboDyke
Summary: I wouldn't want you to want To be wanted by me I wouldn't want you to worry You'd be drowned within my sea I only wanted to be wonderful And wonderful is true In truth I only really wanted To be wanted by you - Rated to be Safe -


**Pauley: So just to make something clear. I shop HG and Myka, they are my OTP, but I do think that Myka and Claudia had a thing for a while (Because I hate the thought of my Claudia alone) so... yeah. But in this, I'm fully shipping Myka and Claudia, okay? This is kinda angsty and feelsy and yeah... Enjoy basically =D)**

* * *

It had been two years now. Two years since... Myka couldn't even think it. Glancing down she felt the tears well up at the familiar sight in front of her. She was safe here, in this room. Nothing could touch her, or hurt her, in here. She reminded herself to thank Artie again once she was done here. Sitting on the edge of the unmade bed she sighed, picking up the note left there and smiling sadly at the words that were now engraved on her heart. Following her usual ritual, Myka picked up the CD next and ran her fingers carefully over the plastic packaging, both dreading and looking forward to listening to it again. With a final heavy sigh she stood, heading over to the pimped out CD player, smiling fondly at the stickers that were stuck all over the piece of tech before popping the top and placing the CD inside. Pressing play, she moved quickly to the bed, laying down and breathing in the sweet scent that still lingered there.

Claudia's voice crackled over the speakers, same as always.

"This CD is for Myka, if anyone else is listening, unless Myka has let you, turn this off now." Myka smiled sadly at the barely concealed friendly threat in the younger woman's voice.  
"Myka, don't blame yourself, kay? Don't... don't do anything stupid, you do have a propensity for doing that, despite being one of the smartest women I know... isn't that a cool word? I learned it the other day on the plane, reading one of the books you gave me... can't remember the title now, but it was a pretty story, I can see why you gave it to me." There was a pause and a hiccuping noise. Myka was yet to decide whether it was Claudia laughing or crying, the two noises were similar when Claudia got really upset.  
"So... as I'm sure you know Myka, I know about you and HG... I saw." Myka stiffened on the bed, as she always did here. It broke her heart, Claudia's voice when she said that she saw. There was so much pain and hurt expressed with those two words that they crashed down on the brunette like the Warehouse collapsing in on itself.  
"I... I don't understand why you'd do this to me Wormie..." Myka fought the smile at the nickname Claudia had given her. She had claimed that it was because Myka was a bookwoorm, but it never failed to make the older woman smile.  
"I mean... I was only away for a few days and... what the hell Myka? Did you... Did HG do something to you or was this of your own free will? No, don't bother answering that, I don't want to know." Myka could feel her heart shattering and tears spilling down her face by now as she reached for the little stuffed cat she'd bought for Claudia and pulled it to her chest, curling around it in an attempt to quell some of her pain. She could hear sobbing coming from the CD player and it took both her and the crackly voice a moment or two to calm themselves into an anywhere near decent state.  
"I love you Myka, with all my heart and soul. This isn't your fault, this was going to happen one day but this was just a catalyst for the inevitable. I just... I had hoped that maybe you wouldn't be involved... Despite what you did, I don't want to hurt you. I love you so much Wormie, please never forget that..." There's a pause and Myka can perfectly picture Claudia wiping at her eyes as she sniffled.  
"So... I kinda wrote this song for you, because that's what I do when I get sad and... well I wanted to leave you something of me... like, a piece of my soul... so here." There's another pause as Claudia picks up her guitar and tunes it quickly. Myka took this moment to sit up and wipe her eyes with her sleeve, taking a deep breath she quickly moved from the bed to the large wicker chair they had installed into the room after a month, so that Myka could read without getting in Claudia's way. Curling into the plush cushions she drew the cat closer to her chest just as Claudia finished and started to actually play properly.

"_This would not have happened  
If I hadn't missed my plane  
I've would have been there when they told you  
I'm the Rat within the grain_

_Within this big misunderstanding now_  
_I'm being misunderstood_  
_I think'in someones trying to fuck with me_  
_And set fire to my wood_"

Myka mouthed along to every word, the tears back full force as she listened to the red-heads voice filter through the speakers.

"_I wouldn't want you to want  
To be wanted by me  
I wouldn't want you to worry  
You'd be drowned within my sea  
I only wanted to be wonderful  
And wonderful is true  
In truth I only really wanted  
To be wanted by you_

_It's a stupid situation now_  
_Where everything goes wrong_  
_If you can't tell if I am lying_  
_Then you do not belong_"

"**No, Helena, this is wrong I can't..." The rest of Myka's sentence was cut off by Helena's lips. She tried to fight against it, but she really couldn't seem to bring herself too. It didn't cross her mind for even a second that Helena might have been playing some sort of game, might be using an artefact. Because for that moment, Myka forgot all about the ring in her room, forgot all about her girlfriend, who would be back from a mission in the Arctic soon, all she knew right then was Helena's lips and the strong, possessing arms of the Victorian lady.**

"_In my bed  
Go rest your head  
Upon the bones of a bigger man  
He can cover you with rock wool  
And you can close up like a clam_

_I wouldn't want you to want_  
_To be wanted by me_  
_I wouldn't want you to worry_  
_You'd be drowned within my sea_

_I only wanted to be wonderful_  
_And wonderful is true_  
_In truth I only really wanted_  
_To be wanted by you_"

**"****Come Darling." Helena had muttered, leading the befuddled woman up the stairs and into the room Myka shared with Claudia, smirking as she did so.**

**"Wait... I'm sure... there's something..." Myka fought to remember, her brow furrowing as her brain tried to work through the cloud of fog surrounding it.**

**"No Darling. There's nothing. Come now." Helena tempted, tugging Myka towards the bed.**

"_So go play with your piano  
Write a mediocre song  
Out the shell of mediocrity  
And pretend there's nothing wrong_

_I never thought you where a chicken shit_  
_I never thought of you at all_  
_Until you asked me to be part of it_  
_Now you're showing me your wall_"

"**Hey Wormie, I'm ba-..." Claudia pushed the door open to find Myka on her back, her hair splayed on the pillow like a Halo and a lump under the covers, a second pair of feet sticking out from the end of the bed and Helena's badge hanging near the door, right where Claudia could see it. Without a word, before the two women could notice her, Claudia slipped back out of the room and headed downstairs to Leena, tears already making fast tracks down her cheeks.**

"_I wouldn't want you to want  
To be wanted by me  
I wouldn't want you to worry  
You'd be drowned within my sea_

_I only wanted to be wonderful_  
_And wonderful is true_  
_In truth I only really wanted_  
_To be wanted by you_

_La la la la_

_In truth I only really wanted_  
_To be wanted by you_"

Myka stood, knowing the CD was now at it's end, but something told her to hold on for a second longer than normal. As if by magic, Claudia's voice crackled over the stereo again.  
"Turn around Wormie."  
Myka froze for a second before slowly turning. Stood in front of her was Claudia, a smile on her face and her hands jammed in her pockets. Myka dropped the stuffed cat in surprise.

"Is... Is it really you Kitten?" Myka's voice wavered as she stood stock still, staring at the woman in front of her, the woman who she had loved and had been dead for over two years.

"'Fraid not Wormie... I'm just a Holograph... before I died I... I placed a piece of my soul in that CD. I needed to see you one last time before I fade away completely." Myka sobbed, the noise choking from her throat without her permission.

"Are... can... Can we touch or...?" Claudia shrugged.

"I dunno... maybe." Myka took a step forward, her hand reaching out for Claudia's cheek, pausing for a moment before brushing her hand over the smooth skin. She could feel it. With her bottom lip quivering dangerously, Myka threw herself at Claudia, hugging her tightly.

"We can save you! Bring you back, like you did with Jinks, right? We've got a bit of you so... We can, right?" Myka's mind was racing a mind a minute. Now she had Claudia back in her arms it had brought back all the hope she thought had died years ago.

"Yeah maybe... but c'mon, lets lie down first, okay? I... I wanna lay with you again." Myka was more than happy to agree and lay, Claudia's head on her chest and her arms wrapped securely around the younger red-head. Without realising, Myka fell asleep, completely at ease for the first time in two years.

When she awoke, she was alone. Shooting out of the bed, Myka searched around the room before collapsing to the floor and almost screaming. Pete was the first to react, rushing in to find Myka on the floor, sobbing louder than normal and rocking back and forth. Wrapping his arms around her, he carefully lifted her off the floor and out of the replica of Claudia's room at the B'n'B, carrying her all the way back through the Warehouse as she cried herself into his shirt, clinging to him. He glanced at Artie who sighed.

"I shouldn't have done that..." He muttered, shaking his head as Pete carried Myka out of the Warehouse.

"Done what?" Leena asked, screwing her eyes shut to try and shut out Myka's tortured Aura.

"I... I placed an artefact in Claudia's room. It will project the thing the person in there most desires... make it real for a little while. I couldn't bear to see Myka in so much pain..." He sighed and took his glasses off, rubbing at the bridge of his nose.  
"But I fear I have done more damage than good." Leena nodded slowly.

"Yes..." She glances at the door where she can still see traces of Myka's shattered Aura.  
"I believe you have."


End file.
